Sometimes I choose silence because I love, sometimes because it is forced, but there are times I have to speak in cloak and vagueries about what goes on in this restless heart. Today is one of those days, when I choose silence and speak about what I can’t speak about. And you may call me a contradiction, and I would agree.
What didn’t I learn about being a person that makes me such a catalyst for others to reject or hold at arm’s length? What is it about me that I can’t change, no matter how I try, that will always lead others to keep their walls up?
I never learned the levels. You know, the ones where you are this kind of friend with this person, and that kind of friend with that person. I can only be me in any given situation, and I never intend to offend, but I always do, because I don’t know what level I’m supposed to live on with them or where I fit in their world.
I’m not perfect, but I am what I AM, and God, in His grace, leaves me here and asks me to love, and let me tell you, there is nothing so hard as loving and keeping my eyes and my heart wide open when I KNOW I’m not wanted.
And I yelled at God about it the other night, raised my fist at Him about it, and He looked at me the way I look at people sometimes and quietly reminded me that this, this is what I do to Him.
I am hurting bad about conversations I’ve had and conversations I haven’t had, and it’s all up in my face and in my gut and all the comfort He gives is an invitation past my fear, to open the door of me up to Him and let Him in, all of Him, everything that He is that I fear, everything He is that I cannot control.
I am angry, and I am HURT, because laying down my life and bearing with another is the hardest thing in the world to do when you don’t see a change and you are rejected, and yet here He bears with me and takes that pain on Himself, and I have asked to love as He loves, and right now I. Don’t. Want. To.
I’m blowing apart today, and if I don’t rest, I’m going to lose my mind. Did you know that a heart actually can hurt when it breaks? I’m only a human. I’ve got nothing to bring to the table, just words and thoughts that make others angry and make them think that I’m trying to be better or best, and really, I’m just me, and this is my life and my heart that I’m opening up to you to share because I thought you wanted to know me, and I want to know you and your heart, but for all this mess of humanity that has to know it all and be right all the time.
There is more to us than our rightness or wrongness, and if I’m wrong, I’ll shout it from the rooftops, and if I’m different, I’ll shout that too, because God didn’t make us all to be the same or to be right all the time. He made us to know Him, and He loves us, and He sent Jesus to die for us, and THAT is all that really matters, in any relationship, no matter what right we think we have.
And for today, this is where I am. I hurt. And there is no way out of this hurt. So if maybe you who read wouldn’t mind bearing with me and praying for me…
Hey, would you scooch over just a little? Make a little room for me to sit on the couch. I’d like to find myself there about right now.
And as for praying? You know that burden is my honor to carry. Just got up from it.
Love you, Kelly. Passion and all.
I also live in this place where self is never enough for anyone, and too often too much in the same moment. It’s hard to be wholly broken in the hand of our Redeemer in a world that is too used to pretending to be and know what is whole, enough to put it on a shelf and admire it, when all they have is a vapor and a dream. They long for that place of complete acceptance too, while they fear it, and skills of self-protection are, perhaps, more dangerous than good. I’m learning to understand that the sharpest encounters come from those who are more broken than they know. Perhaps I will someday learn to sorrow for them before the pain rises up between them and me to obscure what I might do or say in that moment that would reflect the very real security that comes with freedom in the hands of God. But I think the knowledge grows through the pain, and skipping the hard road might mean we miss out on the greater blessing that only comes through suffering. *sigh*
This is all in being human, being God’s image and falling in the gap. The invitation past the fear, as you say – that’s what you drop into. It’s the only way through. Will keep you in my prayers, Kel.
Praying, Kelly, and finding so much of my own heart in your words. I too often find I am too much of myself, or perhaps, too much of Him in me for others to handle. I pray it is the latter, for I purpose each day to be “less of me and more of Him”
God created you to be who you have to be, without apology.. and we love who He created!
Perhaps a hug would be appreciated? I wish I could give you one in person. ((((hug))))
it’s true, hearts really do hurt sometimes. just ache and ache.