2013 was a painful year for “community” for me. I spent much of the year pursuing relationship with people all over the country, sending emails, having coffee, inviting people in for dinner, sharing in group settings, even beginning to attend a small country church in our area. But “community” never really materialized, and relationships take time to grow, especially as you grow older and the childlike appropriation of a “BFF” is no longer as easy as it used to be, because “trust” and “peer groups” and “schedules.”
I went into a tailspin at the end of the year, grateful for the people who were still in my life (it is not unusual for me to sign off an email to a friend with a “thank you for being in my world”) and frustrated with the crushing sense of loneliness and invisibility I felt.
The super-spiritual side of me says “well, you should just find everything you need in God” or, on the other hand, “you are never going to find the perfect community, because it is made up of humans – just go and get involved.”
But the physical side of me has limitations which don’t allow for that “involvement,” and the Spirit keeps asking me to wait. He has given me a spiritual gift which, in its individually-nuanced fashion, is more meaningful to the Body of Christ in an individual capacity. He has not called me into a large group of people to be at its center, but rather to keep building relationships with individuals, and to keep having conversations, and to keep learning how to love as He loves, wherever I find myself.
“All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.”
– Henri Nouwen (via Diana Trautwein)
Nouwen is right about “aloneness.” I can sense God calling me out to cultivate it right now, something that seems counter to my training and my understanding of the way things are supposed to work. While I don’t see that He’s aiming at the seclusion of ye olde monks for me, I do see that there is a grasping neediness in my loneliness that shuts me down to others, or lashes me to them merely through a sense of obligation and an unquenchable (and uncomfortable) desire for affirmation.
When I am not okay without others when life – or God – requires aloneness, then community has become the god in my life. I am myself detached from the Head; my love for others is not His love because His love is not enough for me. I am never stronger in Him than when I have been alone with His love, than when I can walk into a roomful of people and know that He is, has been, and always will be my safest place.
My husband recently asked me where in Scripture God commands us to be “in community.” Community is a discussion that comes up a lot for us in conversation, especially as we have not found a “church home” in South Carolina. If you consider the Church as a full Body, made up of individuals instead of a standardized corporate structure run under Robert’s Rules of Order, then you can begin to see how utterly important it is for each individual in the Body to have and understand their own identity in Christ as they “submit therefore to God.”
After years outside of a traditional church community, I have learned that there is freedom to be alone within the Body of Christ. There is holiness to be found in solitude, and glory, and God Himself, who met Moses on a mountaintop away from Israel, who called His prophets into the wilderness, who died on a Cross alone and sent His Spirit to dwell in every *one* of us who comes to Him, to teach us and comfort us and seal us each individually for the day of our utter redemption.
The Church’s power comes by way of Christ, bringing each member of the Body to Himself. We need aloneness with Him to draw us together for glory. The Church is not a “fix” for loneliness; we should not be bound to each other through obligation. Our expectation is from Him, not from one another. This, I think, is what we need to know before “we can bear one another’s burdens.” We need to dare to let Jesus and His righteousness be our identity, instead of our community and our culture.
I love this post, Kelly, it really & truly resonates. I’ve tried time and time again to seek out community through the church, through mom groups, through homeschool groups and the thing I’m always left with is emptiness. I’ve always felt ashamed to admit that but the thing is, I do better one on one.
I have been made to feel bad for not being involved in the church community, for not communing with others but doing so means I feel like I can’t really be myself, but need to put on a version of myself.
I have no insight to offer but wanted to say thank you for making me feel less alone.
I found this quote to be both comforting and troubling – but then, I’m odd like that. I had breakfast on Saturday morning with 7 other women, most of whom I’ve known for 30-40 years. That group, and one other one that I belong to online, ARE my community right now. I attend church – because I can’t NOT attend church, that’s just how it is for me and for my husband. And I love the people there very much. I help with community meals, I am available for individual counsel and spiritual direction, I’m even preaching again this coming Sunday. But my community right now, my heart center groups, are not in that church. And I’m okay with that. I LOVE our worship times and I need them, too. But at this particular juncture in my story, community is found elsewhere. I think when you feel ‘lonely,’ Kelly, it is maybe because you need some heart-to-heart time with one, two or six people.
My family is also a HUGE source of community for me. We’d rather be with our kids and grandkids than just about anybody, and we work very hard to not become too dependent on that. And that’s yet another reason why I’m so glad I have these two groups going right now. One of them is centered around prayer and sharing. The other is a patchwork of ‘girl’ talk, laughter, deep questions and shared experience. Both are wonderful, both are necessary for me at this point. What I appreciated about Nouwen’s quote was that he says it’s a lifelong struggle and a choice that we have to keep.on.making. It ain’t easy, but finding oases of community makes life a whole lot richer. Praying you will find those places (and pretty sure you already have a few – sometimes it takes reflective time and making a list to remember where we find our spirits singing with another.)
This speaks to me, dear Kelly, as I watch someone near-and-dear to my heart struggle with loneliness and the longing for community. I don’t think he’s anywhere near the healthy side of the spectrum, but it’s good for me to realize that it exists. Thank you for that.
And, have I told you lately? I’m glad you’re in my life.
“The Church is not a “fix” for loneliness; we should not be bound to each other through obligation. Our expectation is from Him, not from one another. This, I think, is what we need to know before “we can bear one another’s burdens.”
So true.
Bonehoeffer has a quote that speaks to this a bit, kind of capturing the paradox: “alone you stood before God when he called you; alone you had to answer that call; alone you had to struggle and pray; and alone you will die and give an account to God. If you refuse to be alone you are rejecting Christ’s call to you, and you can have no part in the community of those who are called.”