I remember now, the way I woke up the morning after the never. I remember how I wanted to throw up, how the tears wouldn’t stop. I remember wondering how I would ever live again. I remember the words that…
Speak
I have hard things to say. I have hard things to live. Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying: “ Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you;…
Time
“I realized that I want what the crones (the old gypsy women) have: time for all those long deep breaths, time to watch more closely, time to learn to enjoy what I’ve always been afraid of…” ~Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies…
Tired
I’ve been fighting this thing for ten years – or longer. I don’t really know anymore. It’s been too long. And it won today. My doctor says I need to believe I can get better, but I’m having a hard…
End
People talk about coming to the end of yourself. I’ve talked about it myself. I’ve been there and back, and I’ve half a God-desire to live there all the time, because that is where humility lives, in that deepest place…
Odd Grace
It has been the oddest sort of day. It’s that “odd” that comes when my skin starts to fit again after two weeks of out-of-body living, when fears that held me down reveal themselves unrealized, when things that don’t make…
Absent
I watch the news, talk to my family and friends; I want to fold up with sorrow. Tornadoes whipping across the Midwest. An active hurricane season predicted for the fall. Earthquakes, tidal waves, floods. Accidents, cancer, death. I feel as…
Invisible?
Sometimes the best decision is making no decision at all, he says, honest and too aware of my “finished” and “never” and “stupid.” And he is right; I am trying to take on years of pain and confusion on one…
Vagueries
Sometimes I choose silence because I love, sometimes because it is forced, but there are times I have to speak in cloak and vagueries about what goes on in this restless heart. Today is one of those days, when I…
Whirlwind
It occurred to me as I was hiking up an airplane walkway today that sometimes in life, things happen too fast for processing. Not every moment is meant for full understanding; sometimes the best memories are made when you don’t…