It is one thing to say and to believe that solitude is okay, that I *do* need to find myself in God alone, and this is best done in “the wilderness,” as it were. But even when I am not searching for validation in my relationships with others, when I am where I am and very much by myself because of the way life has turned, I still have to face my uncertainty that “I am not enough,” or that “I am too much.” I have to acknowledge that others are not seeking me out for relationship or intimacy, and that in this moment, God Himself is the only one I *know* to be actively involved in my life. Even though I like the new confidence that being alone with Him engenders, I still feel left out, left behind, unnoticed, invisible.
There is thwarted desire here, dreams of a “kindred spirit” intimacy it seems I have never been meant to enjoy. I can name the tastes I have had of it, and I can name the things that violently tore it away from me. I carry a lot of pain around with me; sometimes I think it keeps me from truly investing in relationships.
I have stopped believing that I have a “my people.” Moving your whole life, having a personality only a few people have, being introverted, coming in late to every social group that forms – I can try to be optimistic, but I am wearing down, and I am disheartened. I’m not sure what to do with this desire but keep throwing it back on God to do what He will with it. I am almost daring Him to be enough for me in His own right just now. Only once in my life has He provided the physical person to fill a void in me; it feels silly of me to expect or hope that He would bother doing it again. Who needs a “best friend” anyway? Especially when I already have a husband and kids and clients who fill up my world?
But I know that real, intimate relationship, the kind of childlike friendship that has room for two people to be people with each other – this is something I was made for, and it is more than being a wife or a mommy or a professional. Even in the midst of my busyness, I crave the knowledge that I have a “safe space” with someone who knows me and wants me to know them and doesn’t mind my mess.
I don’t have cheerleaders, really – not people who deep-down understand what has been happening or how I have grown over the last few years. I am not surrounded by a group of creatives or kindred spirits who treat me as an equal. I have some hero-worshippers, and some peers who see me as competition – but the potential for relationship there is… not great. I don’t get the “remember that time we” conversations, or the “coffee-dates with X who is just the most amazing friend” Instagram shots. I don’t get the “we got together and our kids played together” afternoons, or the “I knew I could call you at 3am” phone calls.
I don’t know how it will all turn out, if any of the relationships I’ve pursued will ever blossom into something more. I hold them lightly, give all the space, build others up as much as I can; but there’ll be no hero-worshipping clinging for me anymore, no matter how deeply I feel I might connect with a person. I just want a real friend, you know?
Kelly, your writing is breath-taking. I love how you so honestly let your heart to be fully exposed as you wrestle with these thoughts and allow others to peer into that journey. It’s almost like getting a real-world glimpse of the childlike faith that he calls us to have…and seeing how much it moves my heart I can only imagine how much it moves his! I can so relate having been on a similar journey for many years. I love the other post you wrote as well that you did about being filled first with the Lord’s love. A few years ago he took me into a wilderness of sorts for quite a while that I felt like he really used to “hem me in” that I might learn to get my deepest hearts need from him. Gosh it was excruciating at times and yet one of the most intimately beautiful seasons of my life. I truly needed him for my life breath and that was incredible. Of course that deep need has not and will never change…it’s just that those moments of desperation that allow such a truthful glance into the full weight of our need for him that exists all the time whether we sense it or not. This past year for me it’s as if he has flung open the door of community and a whole new season of discovery. The ups and downs of navigating relationships and trying to let walls down to enter into greater vulnerability have opened my eyes to even more of him and his grace. Goodness. I love it and getting to see how uniquely he has designed each part of the body… it’s shown me more and more how every part is so needed. Incredible. Since I can remember, I have always felt the same craving for a kindred spirit exactly as you described (although I don’t know if I could have ever put words to it as you did). I felt like you were reading words from my heart. I do think he will meet that…even if it ends up looking different than we thought. I found your blog because of your stunning photography and am even more captured by your adoration and love for Jesus that flows from such a vulnerable place. You are shining his light so brightly! Thank you for sharing your heart and let me know if you’re ever in Atlanta and want to grab coffee 🙂
I’ll be praying for a real friend for you, Kelly. I wish I was close enough to be a real friend to you. 🙁
A God-honouring friendship can be such a breath of fresh air! I was blessed over the last few years to build some close friendships with women in our Bible study group. That kind of environment can be a great source of close friends, especially since all three of the women I would not have expected to grow close to – we were different in many ways.
However, over the last year, those friendships have been tested, and things aren’t as simple as they used to be. I am still thanking God for the blessing of godly friends, but realizing that true, unguarded intimacy will only be realized when we are free of sin and perfected in Heaven.
Kelly
You have spoken from the depths of my own heart
what I often don’t want to admit
I have never found “my people” even when people consider me me as such to them. I am left feeling I am on the fringes, knowing that He should be enough, Is enough, and yet…
It would be fun if we weren’t oceans apart! X
Oh boy do your words ring true for me. What is even harder is that I left some true friendships behind when I emigrated, so now I know a bit of what I’m missing and it makes it harder to live without it.