Pete tells me he has never seen me so tired. Ever. And he’s seen me through a lot – a hospital stay, a return to the wheelchair, two pregnancies, two births, his paper route, and the start of a business.
—–
In my second year of college, we talked a lot about paradigms, a person’s basic understanding of the world around him. When I began collapsing during my second semester of school, I found out how quickly a paradigm can shift. I also discovered how desperately important it is for us to have something in our lives that doesn’t change when the paradigm shifts.
Most of that something has to be God – and I’m not just saying that because I feel like I have to. My understanding of Him may change – and has changed! – but He is still the same God He was when I was little. He still IS. When everything else goes down on repeat, He’s all I’ve got.
But some of that unchanging something is the people who surround you. People who grow up in the same town, go to the same church all their lives, have solid established communities – I think they weather changed paradigms better than people who don’t have the same stability.
—–
I’m trying to accept the fact that I don’t still hang out with the same people I knew even five years ago. My very best friend in the world is schizophrenic and unable to have a relationship with me. I have only a few dear heart friends that live states away with whom I can pick up right where I left off last time we talked. And I have my Internet friends, many of whom I was excited to meet over the weekend.
But if you really watch Twitter, you realize that Internet friends have other Internet friends, and if you’re really paying attention, you don’t expect real life relationships with them, because you probably only found them through other Internet friends and they have real lives that don’t include you beyond the computer.
And in some cases, they have Internet friends in real life who aren’t cool with them having or making other Internet friends in real life.
This is where I’m going to say that I dislike women in general, the way we possess and arrange and block and organize our lives and the lives of everyone with whom we come into contact. We even walk into our observations of others with expectations, and before we’ve finished a conversation with another woman, we know whether or not we want them in our lives based on… God knows what.
And I will leave that at that, because there’s a lot of hurt there, and a whole lot of disappointment.
—–
My paradigm shifted this weekend as I was attending sessions, greeting people, exchanging business cards, and trying to engage with people from a heart hungry for real relationship.
The airport pat-down that started my trip shattered my ability to control my body and violated my personhood. I curled up in a corner with a box of tissues and sobbed on the phone to Pete, who offered to come pick me up. I wanted to say yes, to walk out on my commitment, the trip, my very body, but I couldn’t. For the first time in my life, I was a PERSON in an airport. I had a story now, and I wondered if anyone was watching me, the way I watch for others’ stories.
Trying to detach from my shock, I spent my flight to Nashville reading Jasmine Star’s Exposed, and by the time I landed in Tennessee, I knew my approach to my business was going to be changing – not because J* did it, but because what I want to shoot is not what I’ve been feeling I have to shoot. I was a PERSON on the plane, going somewhere, planning to live, not just watching others and wondering about their lives.
I walked into Blissdom with my heart wide open, having absolutely no idea what I was getting into. Conferences meant for networking are evidently designed to allow attendees to cover as much territory as they can in the shortest amount of time. There just isn’t time for relationship, watching, or intimacy on any real level. I should have known that, but I didn’t. I was a PERSON there, but I was surrounded by others who weren’t looking for people.
—–
I’m home today, everything shaken, everything except the knowledge that God said “Go,” and He knows why, even if I don’t know. Shaken or not, I’m ready to live past my broken heart, to keep trying to trust Him again as I go, to be ALIVE again, even if that means I get hurt and hurt and hurt.
I figured something out this weekend, something I’ve needed to know for a long, long time – LIFE HAPPENS, and I have to keep living when it does, because that is what being alive is for. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I can CHOOSE to cry. I can CHOOSE to be alone if that is the thing I need. I can CHOOSE to accept the unique things about myself that God created, even if they aren’t the expected, professional, acceptable things. And I can CHOOSE to believe that God is good, that He cares, and that He still holds tomorrow, even if today has me ready to run for cover and quit living altogether.
This is how I know that I’m not going to be walking out on the life I’ve been building, no matter how tired I am in this moment. This is also how I know that I’m going to be CHOOSING to proceed with my business in a different way than the rest of the world advises.
I’m not just saying it. Spitting the words out like some magic spell is anathema to a prophet like me.
Life isn’t about avoiding pain. It’s about giving one’s heart in spite of it.
Feeling so much tenderness toward you right now, Kelly. Hearing you, aching for you. Love to you, with prayers to the One who is.
Love you, dear. I wish I could have been lonely with you … or not-alone after all. It was their loss … not even a smidgen of pity for them, though … turning away without eyes to see or hearts open to love? Shameful!
I will come visit you one day. For certain. You are important…. My world just shifted this weekend, too, so I’ll soon have freedoms I have never felt before. {{{hug}}} I’ve got to trust God with the treasures, like you, that he sets in my heart,… but somehow it doesn’t feel like a stretch of faith to believe I’m writing a “will be” rather than a “might happen”
Love this writing and you know what… you are not the only one who has difficulty with women friendships. I found in the working world I would much rather work with men than a bunch of women not that I am saying female friends are not wonderful or nice or needed. It is just hard to break into the realm of ‘women’ especially if one is new to the scene. We all have been there, at some point in our lives. Are you sad that you went? was it helpful? did you learn some new truths? All things are teachable moments if we are open to the lesson. love your open hearted writing.
You are genuine and real and very special to many people.
It is so ironic that we live in a world that is more “connected” than it has ever been, and yet there are so few REAL relationships in the world. I love that you have so strong a desire to communicate on deeper than a surface level. I hate it when I go out looking for connection with PEOPLE and am only greeted by their masks. It’s a shame that an opportunity like Blissdom didn’t allow for something deeper… I understand why it wouldn’t, but I understand your disappointment as well. I admire how you’re dealing with it, though!
I am completely terrified of having to undergo an airport security patdown. I worry that I’d flip into flashbacks and dissolve into a puddle. I can’t believe you managed to get on the plane.
Kelly, your realness and desire to find that in others makes you who you are. But–as one who wishes sometimes that God had created me a little less melancholy, a little less sensitive, and a lot stronger–I know the pain of always being the “weak” or “emotional” one. I just really, really love you, and am glad that we met through the online world. But I’m even more thankful that we had a chance to connect in real life. I hope we can become even better friends as the months and years go by, because I feel a deep kinship with you. I’m excited to see how God will continue to change and grow your business–and your parenthood. Blessings to you, my friend. And your last line? Perfection!
I could have written this myself. Every word. I was referred to this article by a friend on fB. I would love to have a conversation with you.
I agree with Sharon O. Women friendships can be SO hard, because we make them harder than they need to be. Cliques and so forth are inevitable. I’ve been on the inside and the outside. It’s that way in the “world” and in Christian circles too. Although it’s harder to accept, or not, in Christian circles because that’s not the way it’s “supposed to be.” But we’re all so blind sometimes, not able to see how someone on the “outside” might be feeling. This post is a great reminder to be on the lookout for someone around me who feels on the “outside” of things.
Pingback: What Do You Want To Revolutionize? | Encourage Your Positive
Again, my heart written out. It’s like the song. HA! But truly, I’m glad for you, and i ache for you, and it’s all about moving forward, isn’t it?
I’m so corny, I keep thinking “not stirred.” But the irony is, you are stirring up a good conversation. I had to let this post sink in, I could almost feel your wet face, and I can remember the times I had to escape situations like you described. And, my heart ached for you. And my spirit applauds your honesty and vulnerability.
Someone wrote something about cliques, can’t remember if it was here or on the other post. I think the terminology has been misused, (and I’m not pointing a finger at that particular commenter.) Through my experiences in church, it’s been overused. I think it is a fine line between cliques and tight knit groups of women who have gained each other’s trust which takes time….not a weekend. The trick in these big events is to be able to move in and out of your trust circles so that you are open to new people who may have something to say to you or that you need to hear from them. I love what you said in the other post about the “in” crowd and so on….Maybe if we stopped looking at things that way, we’d all be blessed. Maybe this example will hit home as an illustration: One night at a large group gathering, I was feeling particularly lost and intimidated. I was speaking to a woman who seemed confident and warm. Minutes into the conversation, she told me she had to go talk to some other person because she was new and it was her “job” to bring her in. Maybe she was just blowing me off, and I’ve over-analyzed it, but I was just as new and alone as the girl she left me to go talk to. So, I guess what I’m saying, the long way, is, it’s work balancing everything in a large group. And, we need to maybe drop some notions about bringing others in etc….I don’t know. I just know this hit home. I know I struggle with women too. I love women, so much, but sometimes men are easier. I know I’ve been a leader for a weekend gathering like this and never felt so alone.
And finally…(I’m so long-winded) Have you heard of HSP? Highly Sensitive Person? I’ve done some reading on it, and it’s helped me understand myself a little better.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Helps me feel a little more understood. Helps me also be a little more gracious…on all fronts.