He’s at work today, and there’s a hearing. He said he felt sick about it, sick with fear, worry, shame, that sense of failure and the weight of the world being so heavy on his shoulders. At least I think that’s why he feels sick.
I feel so powerless today, surrounded by messes and things I can’t change or do anything about. I am frustrated with hard, hard hearts and trying to hold onto a little optimism, but the truth is, this life is really messed up, and the people in it, because without You all we have is our own sense of right and wrong to propel us on. Humility and bearing with one another and loving – that only happens in You.
But You held Pharaoh’s heart, and You hold the judge’s heart too. I don’t want to trust You with that when I can do nothing about it and all the decisions keep coming down against the right, when details that get dropped need to be redeemed and the most sympathetic story isn’t the whole story at all.
You said “Go” this year, and You are leading me out and everywhere and, apparently back into You with these things that scare me and make us feel helpless. “Go,” You keep saying, almost like a dare. “Trust Me. Pray. Watch Me work.”
But what if You don’t do what I ask? What if I end up feeling jerked around because I made myself that vulnerable? It’s not like we haven’t been through this before. Sometimes things that just HAVE to happen don’t happen, and praying doesn’t make one bit of difference.
I’m asking You why – You know that. But I can’t just sit here and do nothing, so here I am, laying it out, asking You to step in, figuring that disappointment is on its way, and deciding not to hang my belief in You on the response, one way or the other.
Just, he could use a break today, God. He and his boss need this, and others who need You to come through for them on a very human level. I’m torn up inside over it, over the whole mess and other messes that I can’t be You and fix.
I guess what I’m asking is if You can please just be God today, please care for his heart and this case – geez. I can’t phrase it because I feel like a dumb human with just my perspective, but I guess that is kinda what I am, and I’m really, really wanting the judge to side with my husband’s argument. I’m really wanting You to weigh in on our side because of the gross injustice that is being done to someone who wanted to help others, because it’s so far out of my control I feel sick inside thinking of it all.
So there it is, and I can’t be spiritual enough to even caveat this prayer and be okay with You not answering how I want. Except if You don’t answer how I want, then I’m still stuck because I can’t not believe in You and in spite of the fact that I want proof of You acting on our dust, I want You to be You more than I want a perfect life.
I’m talking to You about it, and that’s something. It’s me not holding out and waiting all cautious, and me saying, “Okay, I’m not You, and I’m pretty much not anything, so I need somebody who is God to step in with a better plan and some peace, please.”
You know how I want to promise You that I’ll pray and praise and pay You back for being You and helping out, but of course, we both know I can’t do that and You’re not much into trading anyway. It’s days and situations like this that I’m left wondering about You doing anything, when that next moment, day, week, year, decade hangs in the balance and I can’t care for the future. You say tomorrow has enough worry for itself, but You were here. You know how HARD it is for us to believe that. You know how HARD today can be, because we die every day and it’s not all Easter Sunday for us here.
It’s the pain that keeps me homesick for You, the awkward helpless praying about the dust-stuff that isn’t ever guaranteed and shouldn’t ever be taken for granted. I’ve seen You work before, and I know You listen to me, to my heart, and You’ve said to cast all my cares on You, so this is it today. I’m throwing all this weight at You and asking You to take care of earth-things I can’t handle.
You said “go,” so here. Your turn. You know what You’re doing. I’m going to believe that today, regardless of what I want.
Beautiful prayer.
I often feel the exact same way!
{{{hug}}} My dear, the beauty is sometimes in sharing the story. It’s hard for you to be in the middle of it, I know … but I already see his fingerprint, even now, not knowing the outcome. And the rest of the going through that you will face, whether easy or difficult, will also show his fingerprints everywhere, because he lives within and upon you. Grace and peace to you.
I love the “Your turn” and, always, your honesty.
“I need somebody who is God to step in with a better plan and some peace, please.”
Those moments we can see that we’re not that somebody… Those are good, hard moments. I have been sitting with this piece all afternoon. And praying with you for Pete.
A prayer from a heart who is truly searching and seeking and most of all honest, God listens and it is good that you are comfortable enough to say it all to Him who hears the heart cries. praying with you,
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Praying with you Kelly. And I know these feelings, these deep desires for true justice and for those we love to be okay. And getting honest? That’s the best possible place to be: God can surely take it. In fact, God invites it. May peace filter through it all, no matter the decision. May your husband know how deeply you love and care about him and find reason to rejoice in that, even if disappointment with the decision is the end result. Madeleine L’Engle used to quote her then 4-year-old son with his evening prayer: “And God? Please remember to be God tomorrow.” Yes, indeed. And every day.