Pete says he sees a change. He says I’m doing better. I do see a little more energy here, a little faster movement there. My brain is a little clearer than it has been. But this week has been hard on me. Because more or faster or clearer, the herx is taking me back through the depression, and every day has been a struggle.
It has been hard to lift my hand to do anything, hard to feel that I’ve done it when I have. I half-pray for a team of people to just keep telling me that “you’re doing it!” and keep reminding me that I am more than I think I am – but then I kick myself for thinking that way. How self-centered can I be?
My doctor told me 2-3 days of this. We’re at about four weeks today. My body just feels like it’s having a very long bad day. My heart feels jerked around.
Tomorrow, I decide whether I should travel to North Carolina for a wedding I scheduled next weekend. We don’t have childcare, which makes everything interesting anyway. I don’t know how my health will handle it. I think with another week, a small, laid-back wedding, I can do it, but any stress at all exacts a price.
I wrestle with my nothingness, wanting to be great. I fight my limitations, wishing I could do more. I stare down my pride, asking for humility, and in the next moment, God reminds me that I am not so good as I wish to be, praying the humility so I can be greater.
My heart goes in circles, only settling if I stop trying to figure it out, if I just rest and let God be God, regardless of what I am, what I don’t want to be. The trying, the wrestling, the fighting – it doesn’t get me anywhere. These are the days that nothing really helps, when I am strong enough to go through the motions and too weak to feel as though I am really living.
I know that I am His, but I wish for more. I want answers. I want Him to tell me what to do. I want Him to just make me what I hope to be in Him – right now. “Then people would love me,” I think. Maybe some would. But others – the more I become like Him, the more of a catalyst I am. They would have less reason to want me.
I wish I didn’t care so much about what other people think of me. I wish I wasn’t like every other real person out there in the world, trying to find a place and wondering why no one cares, why no one comes running for what I have to offer when it might be so much better than what someone else is offering.
I think I want to be the person who cares. The person who sees who others are where they are and gives them courage to be. But all this me in the way seems too much sometimes. All this tired, all this down – it’s hard to see past the very next moment. Heck, it’s hard to see, period, right now with the detox passing through my eyes.
Strangely, at the end of this ramble (which has played oh-so-many times through my heart this week), I find myself grateful for the ones who see me. Grateful for small words of encouragement dropped into tired days. Grateful for affirmation of my strengths from a friend with the gift of encouragement. I think maybe humility begins in gratitude. It is HARD to say thank you. Hard to acknowledge that you were given something you couldn’t secure for yourself. Hard to think of others as better.
“What do you have to lose?” I hear Him ask in the quiet of my heart. “Just my own place,” I answer.
But if I’m His, I’ll always be found in Him. I might want more, but I know down deep that is enough.
When we finally realize He is enough, He will become so much more. You are indeed in THAT place right now, dear Kelly.
I know the feeling of “too much of me in the way”, but He is well pleased with your desire to be lost in Him.
My prayers for you all continue.
Wrapping arms around you this morning, my sweet friend.
This resting thing–that’s where it’s at. The struggle–so exhausting. I love your vulnerability and the way you shine the light on Him through the fog.
Have you read Crazy Love by Francis Chan? I can’t get past the first three chapters. I keep going back to re-read. He writes: “To be brutally honest, it doesn’t really matter what place you find yourself in right now. Your part is to bring Him glory–whether eating a sandwich on a lunch break, drinking coffee at 12:04 a.m. so you can stay awake to study, or watching your four-month old take a nap.”
That showing Him glory thing–you’re really good at that.
“I want Him to just make me what I hope to be in Him – right now. “Then people would love me,” I think. Maybe some would. But others – the more I become like Him, the more of a catalyst I am. They would have less reason to want me.”
That’s exactly it. We either want to be more like Him, or we want to be liked. Really, both states cannot exist if we’re excelling at either one. <3
There was a time when I wanted to be perfect and self-sufficient, but I noticed that people didn’t like me as much. They didn’t want to spend much time with me–because I didn’t have a need they could fill. If we are self-sufficent and don’t need help, then whats the point of friends. We all have weaknesses AND strengths because we are SUPPOSED to help one another. My weakness is someone else’s strength, my strength is someone else’s weakness. We can fulfill our purpose and use our gifts by helping and complimenting one another. Yes, sometimes it is hard to say thank you–but sometimes it can be strangely freeing, too 🙂
I hope you stay home and rest. take care and know you are being prayed for.
Love you,Kelly. *hugs*
I don’t know what you should do about the wedding. I know telling THC no twice was excrciating because I wanted you all to like me.